I resented my child

I had many dreams, one of my biggest was to be an academic philosopher or political sciences researcher, with a loving partner, a beautiful home, and lots of children.

My father left me with my dreams, his death in 2012 left me very unsure about my life and my future prospects. I guess my dad gave me so much hope to keep living after all the loss we had experienced as a family.

When I found out I was pregnant I was severely depressed and had a drinking problem nobody was aware of. I was drinking throughout my first trimester not knowing I was pregnant. I had broken up with my partner because of the depression and confusion and was trying to figure this out on my own.

I remember being so sick, Google told me I had stomach cancer, I did not even have money to go consult at a doctor and couldn't get to my nearest clinic. I freaked out yet wishing I had some life-threatening illness that will kill me fast so I can leave this earth. At the time, I was an unemployed graduate squatting with others but when I got the news I was pregnant, I wanted to keep it.

After going through the worst abortion I can ever imagine, I was not about to have another one, I had to keep this one it also felt right. But there was still no plan. As human beings, we have this obsession with planning, it gives us a sense of security.

The day my son was born was the most amazing day of my life, it was not what I had imagined, I had always dreamt of having a home birth, being financially stable enough to decide my own birth plan, but I was not where I wanted to be, I gave birth in a hospital and was not financially stable, I did not plan my birth it just happened the way it did, however, I had never been happier.

I was obsessed with my baby, I could not stop looking at him despite not sleeping at night and being severely exhausted, but things started to change, the family member I was living with at the time became more abusive, she had been abusive before, but because I just had a baby, I was fragile and filled with so much love and hope, her abuse felt like a big storm.

Things just kept escalating and making it difficult for me to be the mother I wanted to be, I needed to get out and three months later, with the bit of money my father left behind for me, I got out and moved to Johannesburg, I knew the money I had would not last a long time, so I had to find a job and invest some of it for the future.

Moving to Johannesburg was not easy, we did not get here and find instant joy and happiness. I found myself living in an unsafe area and a demanding baby, for the most part, his father supported me, not as much as I required because I felt alone, and a lot of mistakes were done on both sides and we eventually stopped communicating.

A year after my son was born, I was a single mother, for the most part I was always a single mother, but the decision by his father to stop communicating with us sealed the deal. I was in denial that I was a single mother, it made me feel like I was a failure. I wanted a nuclear family and wondered how I would do this alone. I also had fears that no man would love me with a child, you know the saying "Women with children are another man's used goods", I subconsciously believed it and once I was faced with being a single mother, that believe could not hide itself anymore.

Through the amazing people at a campus radio station I volunteered at, I managed to get an internship, something I was proud of but finances were really tight, I still don't know how we survived on R4000. I don't think its fair on anyone to survive on that or less but we did.

I remember not being able to hold back tears one morning on my way to work, I was exhausted and knew the amount of work that was waiting for me at the office and later at home after work. I kept thinking about the fact that I needed a baby sitter that weekend and it will require more money from me which I did not have.

I cried my lungs out that morning, not only did I feel overwhelmed, I felt cheated. I felt it was so unfair that his father could just stop talking and communicating with us and leaving me to do this alone. I was lonely, I was stressed all the time but I had to keep going.

Sometimes nanny would decide not to pitch for work, she would say anything the night before. I felt stuck, telling my boss the situation, it made me feel like a burden and a liability to the business not a great asset and addition to the team.

What made the situation worse was having to quit completing a radio course because I couldn't juggle being a new mom, single at that, doing an internship, and studying. I went from feeling like a failure to feeling absolutely cursed and helpless. My peers were busy with their post graduate studies, and I was stuck raising a child on my own. What added insult to injury was the fact that we lived in a student accommodation.

I started to be rather nasty to my child, I would shout, scream, and often be very annoyed at him. At the same time he had what I could provide for him and I made sure he does not go hungry, But felt like he was a burden, a burden I had been left with. I often did this subconsciously.

I was hurt, I felt robbed that only my life had to change so drastically as if I conceived a child all on my own. I envied people who had supportive partners and family members, not only did the father of my child fail me during that time, but so did my own family. And I was upset, I was angry at my dad, my granny and cousin for dying and leaving me to deal with my decisions all on my own. I developed postpartum depression as a result.

I was functional amidst all the mess, but there were many suicidal attempts, one day, I decided I had enough, my son was sick, I sent his father a message and he did not respond at all. That triggered so much anger, I filled the bathtub with water and planned to drown my baby and then myself, I spent the whole day thinking about that but couldn't do it.

There were many days I spent in the bed doing nothing but feed and change my son, he would sit on the floor and play, while I laid there just looking at the ceiling, I did not understand why he loved me so much, I was felt like such a joke, but he would hold onto me for dear life, smile at me and laugh.

Two years later I finally got permanently employed, things were looking up and we managed to move to a safer neighbourhood and found our own safe space, our relationship was beautiful, I loved my son dearly, but I soon realised I resented him for the choices I had made. He had become the easiest target for me hating the world and feeling robbed.

I was angry that I was a single mother, that I had to do it all by myself, because even when things got better financially, the responsibility of taking care of myself and my son was still there and doing it all alone was challenging at times. When his father returned into our lives, I was still angry at him for the time he was not there, I felt he owed me. I would take my resentment out on my child.

I was in denial about resenting him, one of the reasons was because I love him more than I have ever loved anyone in my life, and I would never forgive anyone who hurt him, but I also hurt him, I was impatient with him, I would shout at him unnecessarily and even use corporal punishment when he was not doing what I wanted him to do.

I had not to deal with the pain I had to go through as a child myself and had not resolved my own abandonment issues, and I had this overwhelming feeling of being abandoned for the second time and this time around with someone who depended on me . One day, after spending most of the day ranting to a 3-year-old about his father, I realised I resented my child, I remember just crying when this came to me and acknowledging that it was so unfair to resent a child for other people's actions and my own choices.

I judged myself heavily, and I believe that judgment was necessary because my son had nothing to do with my anger and pain, he did not ask to be born. Admitting it was the first step, despite having a great relationship with my son, for the most part, once I started breaking down the core of where my resentment came from, my mindset shifted and the relationship improved for the better.

Today I cannot imagine a life without my son, he is like the cherry on top that completes my story in such an amazing way, I get emotional writing this because, how could I have ever thought he was a burden.

Today I am able to see how children are treated as a burden, how despite not having any choice in their conception, society is set up in such a way that is not child friendly and things are harder for single mothers, especially those with no support.

Not everyone has the privilege to prepare to be a parent, sometimes it just happens and you have to step up and show up for your child, but women are often confronted with that responsibility way more than men, especially in South Africa.

No matter what was happening in my life back then, I could not leave my child or take time out from being a mother. I knew I had to show up, otherwise who else would? So I appreciate and empathise with parents, single parents and especially single mothers.

We have to find a balance between a system that requires us to have it altogether and still raise healthy children. Its tough, its tough for first time mothers especially, now that I have two children, the difficulties are there, but the mindset is different and I have way more support.

To the single parent/mother reading this, email me if you need to talk, you are not alone.

I am one of the founders of a secret support group for black women you can join called the Black Womxn Healing Garden, you can access it through our public page on Facebook: https://web.facebook.com/BlackWomxnHealing

If you are a mother dealing with having an abortion or seeking one, you can contact Abortion Support South Africa, another platform I co-founded, our public page is also on Facebook: https://web.facebook.com/Abortion-Support-South-Africa-115370965788694

You can reach out to me on my public profiles @Feminist Mommy on Facebook, @Mommy_Feminist on Instagram and @Mommy_feminist on Twitter.