All about the tantrums

Happy new year loves, I have not written in a while, I hope you crossed over well into 2022, and I’m wishing you an incredible year.

My first blog is about tantrums because our family is in the thick of them hahahaha.

I have been very frustrated and tired from the trantrums over the holidays and had to remind myself what they are and why they happen, and what I can do.

In this post, I will share what tantrums are and how you can manage them alongside your kid.

What are Tantrums?

Tantrums are defined as, “UNPLEASANT and DISRUPTIVE behaviours or emotional outbursts that often occur in response to UNMET needs or DESIRES.

I capitalised the key words because they are important, a tantrum from your child can trigger you because tantrums are not nice. So don’t ever feel bad for feeling uncomfortable when your child has a tantrum.

However the second part of the definition is also key, the tantrum is based on an unmet need or desire, meaning your child is not just being dramatic, they are really triggered themselves.

It’s important to note that tantrums are also because children cannot regulate their own emotions so they have these emotional outbursts, they are not trying to manipulate you.

Can young children manipulate us?

Research has shown that young children are incapable of manipulation because the part of the brain that requires for the ability to manipulate is not yet developed. So your babies and toddlers do not have the ability to manipulate you, even if it may seem like they can.

They honestly just don’t know how to deal with feeling rejected, sad, disappointed and angry. They can’t articulate/communicate or understand those feelings so they have an outburst.

To us it may seem like they crying over a small thing, but actually it’s not just about what they didn’t get. It’s also about the feeling that comes with not getting it that overwhelms them.

Prevention

It’s also important to note that we can’t prevent tamper tantrums all the time, but they can be managed, and we are capable of helping them regulate.

During this time of development it may feel like your child hates you, that you are a bad parent, that they always crying and you may feel like there is a disconnect between you and the child, but there is hope.

Tatrums often start between 18 & 12 months, they get worse at 2 to 3 years old then decrease at age 4. So breathe, they won’t last forever.

How do I manage tantrums?

First thing is first, don’t start with wanting to end the tantrum, start with working around it first.

-Kids tend to throw more tantrums when they are tired, hungry, sick, and overwhelmed-When there is a tantrum, identify that first. (I used to make sure I don’t take my son with me to the shops if he didn’t eat, if he didn’t get his morning nap and when he was sick)

-I’d evaluate whether it’s a good day to go to a certain event. Then I’d decide.

- I worried a lot about stopping the tantrums, until I learned that we need to let our kids feel and help them through it. “It’s okay to cry if you are upset, I’m here if you need a hug, but I can’t give you that right now, how about I give you that instead,” help them through it

- Let them cry, sometimes we need to sit in the uncomfortable as long as they are not hurting themselves or others. My son often cries when we leave a place he likes, and I let him cry on the way home, when his done I ask him if his alright and I ask if he wants a hug. I know they can be loud and it can be triggering, but imagine if your friend or partner told you to shut up after something made you cry? That’s not nice.

- Tantrums are normal, they are not your fault, so that trigger, watch it, it’s usually because we feel responsibile. Stay calm, when you escalate it makes the situation worse for both of you.

- You can gently distract them, as them if they wanna do something else instead, offer them options. Don’t completely write them off.

- Don’t punish them, they really aren’t being naughty, they are being a small human. It’s unfair to punish a person for being a person. And punishment has never taught anyone how to regulate their emotions.

- If your child has a tantrum in public, focus on your child, not others, what they will say, think or the disruption, don’t feel apologetic. Focus on getting your child calm in the best gentle way possible

- Don’t hit your child- imagine feeling disappointed, sad or angry and then being hit. It causes further damage. It also teaches them that pain will be inflicted when they express their emotions.

- Sometimes, ignore, don’t focus too much into it, if it’s in a safe environment and not being destructive, ignore them & see if they can learn to regulate it themselves. I would say “I’m gonna continue doing what I was doing, if you need me you’ll let me know,”

- Remove any item that could be damaged during a tantrum. “Keep things out of reach of children”- my kid grabs things and throws them on the floor.

- Depending on age, unpack the behaviour after. Ask them how they felt, how you can make it better. My son used to say “Mommy you made me cry” I have taught him that that is not correct “he chose to cry” I do believe sometimes my behaviour does cause him to cry, but I need to teach him to be responsible for his own his actions without gaslighting him.

Let me know if you have questions in comments.