I thought it important to write you this letter because I am concerned about the many experiences of mothers including myself when it comes to parenting.
We are tired of carrying the weight and being told: "at least he's there". The standard for men is so low it's really sad, because "at least he's there" is the cookie you get, because of the many fathers who don't care about whether their kids are fed, clothed and looked after.
A lot of you have this habit of waiting to be asked to care for your child, it boggles my mind because that not parenting, you are not the help, you are a parent. Imagine if I waited for someone to ask me to help feed my own baby? It wouldn't make any sense.
We ask friends and family members to help, not the parents, I sometimes ask my six-year-old son to help bring me the baby's nappy or wipes so I can change him, other times when he is watching TV, I will ask to put the baby next to him just so I can go pee, I ask because it is not his responsibility to look after the baby, the baby is not his child.
So you need to stop waiting to be asked to be a parent because parenting is not just a title, its a role and a function that one has and it comes with responsibility.
I sometimes wish I could wake up to a cup of coffee in the morning, I am sure some mothers can but for me, it's often hard because my children wake up before me. And with a small baby in the house, the morning usually would start with taking care of his needs, unless you are his father who wakes up way earlier to prepare himself first for work, then the baby.
With my first child, I was alone, I tried to wake up before him but I would end up just really exhausted unless I slept early which is never the case because when children go to bed that is usually the time to get things done.
If the only time you have to parent is when the mother of your child is not there then you are not parenting, you are behaving like you are the help as I said above, which is called babysitting, parents do not babysit their children, they care for them.
Whether you live with your child (ren) or not, if you don't have to plan your life around them and their needs then you have to question your presence in their lives. Whenever I am invited to an event (before covid-19) I have always had to check my schedule around my children because they are not at the age where they can look after themselves, even going to the shop on the weekend involves my children, whether they are staying home, or coming along, a plan has to be made.
I have been on my phone on Google at 3 am with a crying child asking Google what could be the problem since il only get to ask a professional in the morning. This has happened even with my second child, the idea that once you have raised the first, the second will be a walk in the park is not true, it could be less challenging, but babies are not the same, if you have not found yourself completely confused in the middle of the night about what may be bothering your baby, then it might be that your baby is or was different, or you have someone else to thank for ensuring you get a good night's rest while they battle it out to calm the baby or find out what is wrong.
There is this assumption that women have got the baby care and child care responsibility covered, by virtue of being women or the one who actually carries the baby through pregnancy. While an argument can be made for the bond that can be fostered during pregnancy between the carrier and the fetus, it is not true that women are naturally inclined to be nurtures, we learn, and throughout the years' society keeps socialising us into it, so no, we don't have it covered, do your part.
I hope you someday, hopefully, today, understand that being a parent does not mean piggybacking on the work your partner or ex-partner does every single day, it means posting pictures of your child on social media and bring proud knowing you are doing the work of caring for them each and every day, not just posting to appear like you are on the parenting schedule 24/7 only to find that you sit on the couch expecting to be asked to bath the child.
This is not about the mother of your child, this is about your child. It's about their well being and the fact that they deserve a parent who ensures every day that they show up for them from the day they are born and don't relinquish the responsibility to someone else and then go around calling themselves present.
Unless you work a job with such a hectic schedule that you cannot spend a lot of time with your child(ren) I have no idea what your excuse is. Your relationships with your friends need to change when you have a child, they need to understand that you have new priorities and a huge amount of responsibility, things cannot remain the same. I had to accept this during pregnancy with my first child, he was not even born yet.
And make sure you dispel the idea that financially providing for your child(ren) is all that is required of you because it can be very alienating and simply confusing for a child who grows up with a financially available parent who is not there for the emotional, psychological and other practical parts of parenting.
Those things that seem like a little, like changing a nappy and washing a baby's laundry, they matter when showing love, acceptance, and care.
Show up!!
I hope they get to see this.❤