My son hated my partner

Our first family portrait is a drawing by my nearly seven year old son, it’s a picture of his family. He made it clear that this is only a part of his family, not his entire family.

In the picture that now sits on our fridge door is; him, me, his little brother and my partner.

He said to me the next portrait has to include the rest of his family; his dad, his grandmother, grandfather, aunt and cousin (Who he refers to as his sister).

My son navigates his childhood between these two families, he is with us most of the time because he goes to school this side and spends most holidays with his father.

One of my biggest fears when my relationship with his father didn’t work out was whether I would meet a partner who will not only love me but accept my son.

I knew there are many blended families, I come from a very complicated one myself, however in that time going through the reality of being a single mother I was terrified.

We live in a world that describes single women with children as used goods who bring baggage and baby mommy and baby daddy drama.

I was anxious for my son because I didn’t want him to grow up feeling excluded or othered because he was raised with step parent and I was also afraid I wouldn’t find love again because of it.

I met two guys before meeting my current partner, the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. Those two relationships were smooth, my son was very young and didn’t think much of them.

When my partner came into the picture everything happened really fast. The relationship felt right and I knew off the bat that I had met the love of my life. We got pregnant shortly after we started dating and when he said; “I am here for you, whatever you decide to do with the pregnancy”- I knew I had found the right man for me.

After a few sleepovers, he basically moved in. I was excited and so happy because finally myself and my son had an additional member of the family and we were expecting a fourth member of our family. There was also talk about moving into a new home.

My son was thrilled about the idea of a sibling and having a baby in the house. We spent a lot of time talking about the baby, it’s development and he asked why it’s taking so long to

come out.

I had the worst morning sickness and my pregnancy was for the most part terrible, especially at night so my son had to deal with a mom who is experiencing something he never seen before and also there is this new man in the house who had to be the parent when I couldn’t be.

When it comes to the relationship itself, me and my partner went through our own struggles, we got to really know each other as a couple while navigating a pregnancy. It was difficult but I was not ready for the storm that was about to hit.

It started with conversations with my son about marriage. I asked him how he would feel if I married my partner and he said, “But I thought you wanted to marry my father”. This confused me because my son had never seen me in a relationship with his father and I didn’t know he felt that way.

One day driving home from picking him up at school, he asked me if myself and my partner don’t like his dad. I asked why he would ask that instead of answering the question because I was wondering if we had said or done something to make him think that.

He said because we don’t want his father to live with us. I told him we did like his dad but we hadn’t considered if he would live with us. Many many why’s followed in that conversation.

It was difficult for me, I didn’t know how to

tell a five year old that I don’t hate his dad but I am not in love with his dad and I don’t want to

live with his dad. I didn’t know how to make it make sense. And I believe he was struggling with the idea that me and his father would never be like his friends parents. In his world, mom and dads get married and have children, that’s how it works, he hasn’t seen anything different.

I also had to deal with disagreements between myself and my partner about my parenting style. In our home, myself and my son didn’t have many rules, we lived together for so long, we had our own way of living. For example, my son entered the bathroom when I was in the shower whenever he wanted or when I’m on the toilet it really didn’t matter, but my partner on the other had was uncomfortable with that. I would dismiss him and say it’s not a big deal when it was a big deal for him and I was violating his boundaries.

We had other differences about parenting and I felt judged because I had been a parent longer than he had and he wants to come in and tell me how to parent, who the hell did he think he was- I thought.

I became a helicopter hovering over his shoulder whenever he parented my son and didn’t give him room to be a parent.

Things got worse after I gave birth to my second born. My son was at fathers when we moved house, he was aware he would be coming back to an entirely new world. A new home, school and he had to make new friends. But I didn’t know it would make him insecure. It was a new home, bigger, he gets his own

room, what beats that?

When he got back, the tension in the home was palpable. My son’s attitude was worse than I had ever seen, he was snappy, rude always on fight mode and he stopped entirely to take any instruction from my partner. I blamed my partner and I said he wasn’t doing enough.

I started wondering if it’s worth it staying in the relationship if things were not going well. This is until my partner told me ever since my son came back he told him he hates him and he must leave us alone whenever I was not there. He took time to tell me because he was afraid I wouldn’t believe him because he knew how much I loved my son. He didn’t know how to navigate this.

When I asked my son about it, he admitted it and I spent sometime beating myself up because I had failed my child, we had failed my son.

He was thrusted into an entire new world where he has to share his mom with two new people. His hope that his parents would be together like all his friends at school were shattered.

On top of of that, he was moved from his home he shared with his mom and had to leave his friends because me and my partner were starting a family and a life and didn’t consider how it would impact on him.

I was totally oblivious and as much as I love my son I didn’t prioritise him and involve him as much as I thought I did. Myself and my partner thought all would fall into place and everything would just work out. But things never work themselves out, people need to work them out.

I started doing research online about blended families and why they are so difficult because I was feeling so alone. That’s why blogging is so important and documenting different experiences of parenting because those helped my family.

I let my partner in on what was finding and we chatted about how we had failed my son, my partner didn’t show my son where his place was in his heart and life. Clothing him, feeding him and driving him to school

was all well and good, but my son wanted more, children need more.

My son felt insecure, out of place and didn’t know how he fit into my partners life so he resented him. He also blamed him for shattering the possibility of myself and his dad ever being together again.

As a couple we also had work to do, especially on our communication as parents and trust in each other. It took months for my partner to tell me my son tells him hate hates him.

He was afraid I wouldn’t believe him because to me my son painted a different picture. It was such a confusing time and I kept thinking the best solution is to leave. But reading other family experiences and seeing my partners heart to do better with me changed things for us.

A year after that difficult period, we are still working on this whole blended thing, it’s not perfect, and I doubt it ever will be. But our son cannot think of his family without including my partner. They have their own things they do together and have their own relationship.

I am no longer hovering over my partners shoulder when he parents him or questioning his ability to parent, lol, I try not to. I contributed to my partner feeling inadequate when it came to parenting because I always intervened and didn’t give him room to learn.

We don’t always get it right, we sometimes fail both kids, there are days I hover and micromanage how he parents our oldest. I’m aware of it now and I try isolate when I’m being overboard and when I’m assisting. He also assists me because I’m not always a great parent myself, I get it wrong so many times and he has the front row seat.

I have learned that sometimes children hate their step parents not because they are not good people but because they feel insecure, out of place and are afraid. Children thrive in stable environments and anything that poses a threat to that they will reject.

My son understood his place in my heart and his fathers heart but didn’t understand where he fit into my partners heart and world so he closed up and rejected him when he least expected it.

I recently I asked him about the time he hated my partner and he said “Well mommy, I had to get to know him you know.” I hope you enjoyed my story, and I’m sending love to all blended families out there, remember to always ensure the children feel safe, secure and loved. There is no manual, but we can learn from each other and support each other.