Social media has been abuzz with with the question of whether stealthing is rape or not and I am triggered.
Many, mostly women and feminists have been rightfully calling it rape, while others, mostly men saying it cannot be.
I have decided to tell my story with hope that it will help anyone who falls victim of this crime.
I have always known that the non-consensual removal of a condom during sex was a crime but I didn’t know it was rape until it happened to me.
I first came across the term, stealthing in 2018.
It was October 2018, two months after the historic total shutdown march against gender-based-violence in South Africa. I remember being in the emergency room at Netcare Waterfall City Hospital in Midrand. Some of my fellow activists left the gender summit that was held in Pretoria rushing to see if I was okay.
The hours before the decision to actually go to the hospital, felt longer than they were. Let me take you to that night and the subsequent events that followed.
Bear with me, this will be long.
Trigger Warning: Graphic details of the rape
I arrived at his place in Pretoria on the 31st of October 2018, just before 5pm. The sun was about to set and when I arrived he seemed nervous, rightfully so because we were meeting face to face for the first time.
We had been chatting for a few days after following each other on Facebook for a few months.
We were both sexually attracted to each other and had agreed it was time to make all the plans we discussed via text a reality.
I was excited, I had been waiting for this day for a few days. Things started getting very steamy that week, while we were sexting so we had to meet.
He was my type of guy, tall, handsome and loved the kitchen. Anyone who knows me will tell you I may not be an expert but I really love cooking and experimenting with food, that is what attracted me to him the most.
He had a friend over that day and we all had a chat for about an hour or more I cannot remember exactly.
He was drinking and offered me a drink as well. Once the friend left, we made our way into the house continued drinking and talking. Neither of us were drunk but I can say he was tipsy.
We proceeded to the bedroom where we had sex, as planned. Before we started I made very clear that using a condom was non-negotiable. He had condoms, so we used one.
Sometime during sex, I stopped for a bathroom break. His bedroom had a bathroom inside so it did not take me long to hop back onto the bed to continue.
We continued and eventually when we were done I realised he was not wearing a condom anymore. This was very bizarre and I probably would not have noticed if I had not looked.
The Humiliation
When I asked him what had happened to the condom he initially said he did not know. This was strange to me as he was wearing it when we started. He sat there as I panicked as if he was looking for it.
I remember thinking maybe the condom slipped and was left inside me. I have had that happen once before. I decided to sit comfortably and checked if it was inside my vagina. I did all that while this man knew the condom was on the floor and he had removed it when I rushed to the bathroom.
He eventually said to me "here it it is" holding that it up and made me panic more. I asked how this could have happened and he said he did not know.
The panic and fear
I was flooded with overwhelming panic and fear. I thought of the worst possible scenarios. What if this man infected me with something on purpose? I did not know his sexual history.
I immediately got up and started getting dressed as fast as I could, I believe I left my underwear or some item of clothing there but I am not particularly sure because I was panicking.
He still had the audacity to ask me to spend the night. It was like we were in two different places and he did not see the gravity of what had just happened.
I started thinking of the worst, as he was pushing for me not to leave and holding me tightly I started thinking he could possibly violently assault me.
I negotiated with him for about 10 minutes begging him to please open the door so I can leave. It was the worst situation I could have ever been in I asked myself, "Why did you come here?
But how could I have known that I was meeting an abuser? Where do we get the checks and balances? how much research would I have needed to do to know that this man would violate me? Why do we even have to go through this?
By the time he agreed to open the door I was in tears and I ran as fast as I can to my car. I kept feeling like he was behind me, following me and would continue to and stop me from leaving if not maybe assault me and drag me back into the house.
The Drive home
It was late, I cannot remember exactly what time it was. Since I had planned to spent the night, I knew that drive home was late in the evening if not early in the morning.
I honestly don't know how I managed to drive home and arrive safely. I think the roads being empty at that time of the night might have helped. All I know is that I drove home, but I don't remember how because my mind was rushing with so many thoughts.
The aftermath
I was afraid to tell anyone. I went to work the next day with a lump in my throat. He kept texting, I think once he got sober it hit that I might just do something about what happened.
At some point that day, I had to come to terms with the fact that I needed help.
The most important thing for me was to get PEP also known as ”Post-exposure prophylaxis. It is a short course of HIV medicines taken very soon after possible exposure to prevent the virus from taking hold in your body”.
The second was getting a rape kit done. Every hospital and clinic I contacted told me I needed a case number from the police to get this done for free.
The shame
I was ashamed, I was judging myself and even worse, victim blaming myself. I kept asking myself why I even went there and why I showed interest in him at all.
The shame came from the fact that I had been sexting with him and sending him nudes, so I felt that I had brought what had happened on myself.
This was not the first time I was violated by someone I had showed interest in and that made it worse.
What made this rape differential was how complicated it was. I had consented to having sex, but I did not consent nor was I aware that the condom was removed.
The thought of going to the police station came and and went away. If I couldn't tell the police in 2009 that a cop I was dating had raped me how the hell was I going to tell them I was raped by someone I agreed to have sexy with?
How was I going to convince police who are largely ill-equipped to deal with rape cases that included in the definition of rape by law about this?
The rape kit
I went to Netcare the evening after incident and I waited in the queue for sometime. I was eventually called in and indicated that I was there because of a sexual assault.
I was treated with the dignity I deserved, the young doctor was sensitive and gentle. I actually think I cried for the first time that eventing.
It was in that moment when she was taking the swabs from me for the rape kit and how she handled it and treated me that I finally admitted to myself that I was a victim of a sexual assault.
I spent that entire night in tears. The fact that I had gone to meet someone and we planned a great evening but instead I experienced more trauma was unbelievable.
I kept thinking to myself why is it that we have to experience such trauma? What was the propose? I was already dealing with so much in life.
The 'apology'
He texted me to apologise, my boyfriend at the time actually confronted him. They went back and forth via text about what he had done and he was acting like he had remorse. He went as far as paying for the PEP and other pills I got from the hospital to prevent STI's.
I was going through a lot, I decided to reach out to women in the Black Womxn Healing Garden. It was that day when I found out I was actually dealing with a predator. Another woman reached out to me and confirmed he had done the same thing to her.
He had told me that it was the first that had happened and he gave me a ridiculous story about how confused he was. When I told him about what the other woman had told me, he revealed his true colours.
The facebook post
I need to backtrack for you to give you insight on the gaslighting this man is capable of. On November 1, the day after the incident, he posted a status on Facebook stating "I learned a valuable lesson last night...Just because you assume you are cool with someone....doesn't give you the right to assume you can make a decision on their behalf".
This man learned a lesson from putting me in danger by violating the terms and conditions of our agreement to have safe sex. He learned a lesson while I was going through the consequences of his actions? How do people traumatise others while they just learn lessons?
The trigger of having my consent taken away from me, the emotional burden of knowing my power to choose was just removed from just because he thought we were cool.
He risked my health because he thought we were cool-the audacity.
The gaslighting
The other woman woman confronted him and the game he was playing on me came to and end. He started becoming defensive, he was no longer remorseful and the next thing he posted on Facebook was and I quote, "I hate messy. This has gotten waaaaaaayy messy now".
It got messy for him when he was confronted about his lies and there was now proof that this was how he operated. But it got messy for me and that woman the day he removed a condom during sex without our consent. His arrogance was nauseating.
What then subsequently followed was him telling us how he is processing how he could of hurt two people he cared about. He claimed he did not even know he done the same thing to the other woman and only found out that day. It was all an emotional rollercoaster.
Don't ask me why I was texting him, calling him and unleashing my anger on him because even I don't know. I wanted some kind of accountability and I don't even know why. Well he kept re-traumatising me and even went as far as suggesting that I was angry because I wanted to do this for my cause.
What I assumed he meant by that was that I was creating a gender-based-violence scenario where there wasn't one because I am an activist.
He then further said he had heard I am very dominant in feminism-how pathetic. How do you want to talk about power in a situation where you took away my power?
I am not writing this to give reasons to why stealthing is rape. There is absolutely no way that we can debate whether stealthing is l because it is.
The public outing and slut shaming
I was tired, I had to out him and I did it. It was hard to out him, the backlash I got on social media and victim blaming from people took me back to that night when I was judging myself. One comment said; "That is what happens when you sleep with people you just met" another one said "How could you not feel that the condom was not there?" .
I went through many moments were I regretted outing him. But regardless of how many times I tried to tell myself to delete those posts I did not.
I tried to get some legal advice-to see if I would be able to open a case and whether a court of law would prosecute. I was told it would be the first case of its kind, others have included HIV. Which meant that if I tested positive after he stealthed me I had more of a case than if I did not.
I wanted that man to get convicted of rape because he raped me and I was not the first. I wanted him and other men out there who are doing this to the many women who have reached out to me after I publicly outed him, to know that removing a condom without your sexual partner's consent is not something light and a decision you can just make because you think its cool.
South Africa’s HIV rate is one of the highest globally with 7.7 million people living with the virus. It is prevalent in young women between the ages of 15-24 who are the most vulnerable and infected by men who think it is cool to rape.
It should not be a privilege, but the state of this country makes it such a privilege for me to have been able to get onto PEP and come out of this incident with just emotional and psychological scars. I was lucky to even have noticed the condom was removed, some of the women who commented on my post on Twitter had to deal with unplanned pregnancies and health consequences on top the emotional scars.
I still wonder if he would even told me if I had not noticed or that he had removed the condom.
I hope this post will help someone and also be part of the changes we want to see in the legal system.
It is not stealthing, it’s RAPE.
To the feminists and gender activists who paved the way for me to understand that I was raped, I will forever be grateful for the sacrifices you have made and the noise yoI keep making.
Resources
Comments